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Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Chuck Norris once split a man in by giving him a wedgie.

Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea….

Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.

Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum.

The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.

Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy.

The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds.

What’s the strongest part of Chuck Norris? His opinion.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.”.When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.Cannon balls, tanks, super destroyers, exploding stars - I could go on. Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, scissors.When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”.If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win.He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close.Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant.It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.Here’s one joke for every year of his life. What better way to celebrate the high-kicking actor than with 80 of the best Chuck Norris jokes? Thanks to his tough guy reputation, Norris has inspired internet jokes and memes for years. Chuck Norris, the action star and author, turns 80 today.